Commercials

"Hey dad, where are the Andes?"

"I don't know, ask your mother, she puts everything away!"

"Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory? All he did was take a day off!"

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and the doc says "how do I help ya?"

The guy says "doc, I think I'm a set of drapes!"

The doc goes "well pull yourself together!"

"Everybody's shocked when they find out how bad of an electrician I am!"

"I told my wife the other day she's drawing her eyebrows too high, she looks surprised!"

"I wanna die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not like the passengers screaming and yelling in his car!"

"Hey I woke up grumpy this morning... I told her go back to bed!"

"You know the worst time to have a heart attack? When you're playing charades!"

"Last night my wife was complaining that I never listen to her... or something like that!"

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist, "I think I'm invisible!" She says "sorry, doctor can't see you right now!"

2 kangaroos are chatting, one says to the other, "looks like rain today!" The other says, "oh no, the kids will be inside playing all day!"

I scared the mailman the other day by coming to the door naked. I'm not sure whether he was scared because I was naked or because I knew where he lived!

They say New Yorkers aren't friendly? I saw 2 guys who didn't know each other sharing a cab, one took the tires, the other took the radio!

Did you hear about the penguin who walked into the bar? Bartender says, "how can I help ya?" The penguin says, "I'm looking for my brother, have you seen him?" The bartender says, "I don't know, what's he look like?"

Today a guy knocked on my front door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool. I gave him a glass of water!

I was giving some advice to my nephew the other day: when one door opens and another closes, you're probably in prison!

I went to see my doc and said "doc, I can't stop shoplifting!" He said "take these pills for a week. If they don't work, get me a digital camera!"

Hey I'm getting old, I mean really old... the other day I stopped with some friends to get a cold one. My friend said, "which of those waitresses would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?" I said, "the one that could fix it!"

My buddy told me he's upset because he made love to his third cousin. I said, "if it upsets ya, stop counting!"

Since Coronavirus, I've been washing my hands so much that the answers from my 8th grade history test are starting to appear!

Caught my wife with the butcher the other day. I said, "what do ya have to say for yourself?" She goes, "whatever you do, don't tell the plumber!"

I lost my first wife when she fell down a wishing well... I didn't know they worked!

I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday. She said, "I would like to see something in fur." So... I took her to the zoo!